Road Signs

I really like road signs. They’re supposed to be official government endorsed information devices, but sometimes I think they’re too serious for their own good. Weird and ironic phrases slip through and the warnings can be ridiculous.
Some of them are unintentionally hilarious because they try so hard to be grave. I find it amazing.

I can compare it to a particularly strange situation in high school with my vice principal. It was the Spring of my senior year, and I was hanging out in the cafeteria while a bunch of kids were screwing around with a vending machine.

Eventually everyone realized that the pranksters had managed to put something into the device, and were watching the food rotate and laughing hysterically. Cookies, soda, chips, and a purple glittery dildo circled in the machine. Eventually, the vice principal showed up, and not being able to pin down the culprit, angrily yelled at all of us (while clutching the sparkly sex toy in his fist). “That's why there is no student commons. Because there are dildos in the vending machines!” He chucked the phallus into the trashcan and stomped out of the cafeteria.

It made the entire situation ten times better. He was so stern, and was ready to threaten us with anything to make everyone behave.

I find road signs that way. They try to be so serious, and completely miss the levity of the situation. In Badlands National Park in South Dakota we passed a simple sign that said, “WARNING: PLAGUE IN PRAIRIE DOG COLONIES”.

What? But it was for real. Others I’ve seen in the last few weeks include depictions of stick figures running away from tsunamis, being flung from their bikes, getting gored by buffalo, falling into geysers, and having toll gates smashed on their heads.

I also like unusual animal crossings (like Elk, Moose, Bison, etc.) and runaway truck ramps/roads (particularly if there’s a runaway truck on it). Something about all these signs amuses me to no end. They transcend every language, and their imagery often translates something very different: RUN FROM HUGE WAVES, DANCE WITH BUFFALO, and PARK BIKE IN RUT FOR FUN RIDE!

Some day my friends will all be sitting at home with their antiques, coin collections, and knitting, but I will still be driving around, looking for strange signs to photograph.

The Top 12 Most Ridiculous and Amazing Moments of this Summer

12. The Fireworks Warehouse

While driving out to Portland, Brit and I stopped at a heavily advertised fireworks store called Pyro City in Wyoming. We wanted to see what it was like, but quickly left when we realized that someone breathing too hard would probably cause a nuclear explosion.

11. Moving to Portland
Upon moving into Brit’s house, I quickly learned that we lived next to a cool bridge, and between a police station and a wrestling ring. You can hear the matches on Friday evenings, and people have been arrested in front of our house.

10. The Night Ride
Brit and I entered a 15 mile night bike ride which required costumes and bike headlights and tail lights. Shortly after getting in a fender-bender and mending our bikes (which had been on the back of the car), we arrived in full Hawaiian regalia and rode with a huge pack of 2,000 riders through Portland, all similarly decked out in lights in costumes. Seeing all the lights flicker was like looking at Christmas light displays.


9. Snow in July
We decided to go for a hike up Larch Mountain on July 5th. The hike has a cool lookout with views of Mt. St. Helen’s, Mt. Rainier, Mt. Adams, Mt. Hood, and Mt. Jefferson. Unfortunately, when we got to the trailhead, the whole area was covered with snow and fog. We were terribly underdressed, expecting hot weather in July. We took a few quick pictures of where the mountains supposedly were, and got the hell out to warmer weather.


8. Wildfires
As my mom and I were driving back across the country, we ended up driving through a wildfire in Wyoming. Firemen escorted us through the smoldering area, and everything was covered in ash and smoke. Firefighters guarded the road to stop the fire from crossing it, and tents and trucks covered a huge parking lot that served as a temporary basecamp for all the people working.


7. Masada, Israel
In Israel, we woke up at 3am and boarded the bus to drive to Masada, the Jewish fortress, and hike the mountain in time to see the sunrise. After several mishaps, we left very late and scrambled (well, literally ran) up the steep stairs to get to the top just as the sun started to come up over the desert.


6. Wall Drug
Wall Drug is a giant mall/tourist trap/drug store in Wall, South Dakota, which advertises for hundreds of miles in every direction. Because Sturgis motorcycle rally was only several miles away, the place was crawling with bikers and shirts depicting the rally. It’s so overly hyped up that apparently there are signs in Afghanistan and the South Pole indicating how many miles you are from the store. It has strange oddities and paraphernalia, including a six-foot jackalope (jackrabbit/antelope mixed breed) that I got to ride.


5. Team USA Rugby Game
Brit surprised me by taking me to an NA4 (North America 4) game between the two USA teams, the Hawks and the Falcons. Highlights included a man's shirt being mostly torn off, a player who leaped OVER a ruck (like, through the air), and getting free Frisbees, shirts, and bags.


4. Prom Dress Scrimmage
This is always a blast at the end of the semester. Despite breaking my thumb in the game, I had an awesome time running around with everyone in ridiculous dresses from the salvation army, getting covered in mud, and tearing them to shreds. Hey, we also made it into the alumni magazine. Check out the slide show here - click the link on the right side.


3. HamTrek
Well, I have to toot my own horn a bit and mention the fact that I did a triathlon at the end of school. I'd like to say that I flew through it and it was a breeze, but I felt like I was going to vomit/die at the end. I got the cast on my hand the day before the race (it was waterproof so I could swim with it), but I can't blame too much of my exhaustion on it - I just wasn't in the best of shape. While I didn't get the best time, I was really excited just to be able to finish the race.

2. Chaka Kahn
So maybe this shouldn't be number two…but I think it probably makes for the best story. As I was flying from Portland to Syracuse for my cousin’s wedding, Chaka Kahn and her band got onto the plane with me at my layover in Chicago. They had apparently played the night before for 50,000 (I was sitting next to one of the band members on the plane, and he mentioned it). She was sitting a few rows behind me and playing in Syracuse that night. Everyone chatted about her for the whole flight.


1. Adirondack Adventure
Always amazing. Crazy games, getting to romp through the woods for five days, and playing in canoes and kayaks. The kids are great, you get to be filthy without being judged, and we saw loons, frogs, bald eagles and leeches. Yum.

"It's an anywhere road for anybody anyhow"

Driving from New York to Portland took a long time.

I imagine the reverse will too.