Monday, July 28, 2008

Credit Card Madness

My credit card is due to expire in a few months, so I've been keeping an eye out for a new one. Brit gets sweet deals and cash back from REI, my other friend told me about the gas gift cards he gets once a month, and I know other people who get good airfare deals. I figured I'd do away with my dinky Wachovia card that gets me n o t h i n g and get a new card that earns me frivolous rewards. After all, she works hard for the money, so hard for it honey, she works hard for the money so you better treat her right.

So I started to investigate different cards, and there are a shit-ton of them. I had no idea. I thought it was just Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. But I was very, very wrong.

There are legitimate causes to support. Affiliations to dedicate yourself to. Hobbies and stores and organizations and animals. So here I will present to you the wide world of credit cards available, just in case you need help researching your options.

First off, there are the genuine organizations. Just having this credit card in your wallet would give you a perpetual warm fuzzy feeling. When you whip it out to buy, say, your textbooks, $80 in gas, or even a six pack, you can nod solemnly to the cashier and say, "I just hate how XYZ's's the least I can do...donating 1% of every dollar I spend. That means once a year, the XYZ federation gets a check for $6.87, and it's all because of me. I just can't sit back and not do anything about it, you know?" You can support:

Guide Dogs
And honestly, who wouldn't want a picture like that on their credit card?

The Human Rights Campaign (aka, gay people)
Because who doesn't like gay people? (Except for conservatives, religious fundamentalists, and Iran). Having this will show everyone how open-minded and supportive you are. See: Stuff White People Like: Having Gay Friends

Arbor Day Foundation (Trees)
Trees are good.

More cute fuzzy animals that go on your credit card

Latina Style
Help empower deserving Latinas

Anyway, you get the point. The next category is: Useful things. These cards will earn you gas, miles, or rewards in a particular brand or store.

If you send a lot of stuff, this is probably useful for you

Pretty sweet. Free books and movies? Not a bad gig.

If you really like slushies, this may be your credit card

This is for people who like to buy the Hess Trucks at Christmas time

If you buy a lot of tires, or just like the marshmallow-y guy, this one's cool

Eskimo Joe's Restaurant and Bar
Do you frequent this restaurant in Stillwater Oklahoma? This could be your big break.

Not a bad way to go, if you obsessively buy things of one brand, or live in 7-Eleven or Stillwater, Oklahoma.

Now we have: Pledging your alliance to a particular club, team, group, or organization.

Are you retired? Get the magazine? This may be useful. Unfortunately, you must have a career before you retire, so that counts me out of this one.

Harley Davidson
If you ride a hog or are a member of the Hell's Angels, this is one for you.

Cornell University
Apparently several larger universities now have their own credit cards. Hamilton, having 1800 students (compared to Cornell's 20,000) does not.

The Academy of General Dentistry
There are several professional cards like this. Unfortunately, they don't have an APA (American Psychological Association) one. I'm guessing this is a good conversation starter, though. "Why yes, I am a dentist! No thanks, I don't need a receipt for that donut."

If the HRC card isn't gay enough for you, there is the WNBA card.

Rocky Mountain Elk Fountain
RMEF members must wait no longer!

Other animal affinity clubs include The American Paint Horse Association, Whitetails Unlimited, the National Wild Turkey Federation, and Salmon Nation (make the leap!)

If those weren't ridiculous enough for you, the more bizarre ones have their own category: "I don't know why you would ever get this." Aka, Absurd Credit Cards.

The KISS Card
If you never quite got over the 80's

World Of Warcraft
I don't even know what to say about this

Star Wars: Galactic Rewards
Darth Vader OR Yoda Platinum!

Ultimate Fighting Championship
If the WNBA and HRC cards weren't gay enough, you can get the UFC card! Honestly, I think the UFC ranks up there as one of the top homosexual things ever, but that's for another post.

Their slogan: "It says 'Hooters' on the card!" WHY is that a good thing!?

The Wizard of Oz (Complete with the Tin Man)
Because because because because because...because of the wonderful things it does...

...what kind of rewards would you get with this...?

Hello Kitty
Again, I don't know what to say. This is quite possibly the winner.

In conclusion, I am no closer to choosing a credit card than before I started this research. Yay Wachovia!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh Almonda. How can you put the WoW, Star Wars and Hooters cards under the "I don't know why you would ever get this" section? WoW fans are incredibly abundant, Star Wars fans and many normal people alike would drool over the possibility of having Yoda or Darth Vader on their card and what overly macho jerk wouldn't want a card that advertises Hooters on it? And you KNOW the Hello Kitty card will be big with Japanese/weeaboo girls.